Trust

The past little while has been...confusing. For lack of a better word.
I recently went on a girl's vacation up to Seattle. I love it up in the North West. It always seems to clear my head and refocus my spirit. I love the fresh air, good water and smell of rain. But it might have more to do with the fact that my best friend lives up there. I wish I could be around her more often. She is such a rock in my life. Seeing her relationship with her husband has always been very revealing to me of my own life. I see how a marriage and partnership really should work when I watch them interact. They really do love each other. It's bitter sweet to witness. On the one hand it inspires and reassures me of what I want in a marriage, but also makes me acutely aware of the lack of a real partnership and love I really have in my life right now.

Coming home from that trip I was hoping to find an anxious and excited husband. See, when I used to go anywhere, or see him after a photo shoot that I had done, he was always the first to ask me how things went. He'd be excited and interested to hear all about it, and immediately want to see my favorite pictures that I had taken. I felt that he valued and was truly interested in what I had to say. He doesn't do that any more. And as much as I hoped for a different reaction this time around, it was the same as it has been for a long while now. He hugged me, asked if I had fun, and that was it. No more interest. No more anticipation for my stories and photographs. It was extremely discouraging.

A couple days later Danny and I had our first genuine discussion about separation and divorce. It was very surreal because it was so oddly calm. Sure there were tears..it was sad to talk about. But.. I don't know. It was strange how matter-of-factly he was about everything. I have been thinking about separation for quite some time, but haven't really talked to him about it. We both think it would probably be good for us.

A few days passed after that, and as we sat talking one evening, I decided to tell him about the attempted rape. I hadn't told him because I was sure his reaction would be very accusing. But in that moment I just felt I needed to let him know. Before I told him I explained that I was afraid to tell him, and that I felt he would blame the situation on me. I asked him to not yell no matter what I said. Of course, after I told him, that all went out of the window. The reaction I was most afraid of, happened. The first words out of his mouth were to scream at me "WHAT THE FUCK!!?? YOU INVITED HIM OVER??!!!"  I immediately screamed back that this was exactly why I hadn't told him, because I knew he would blame me. Of course he tried to back track, saying that it "wasn't what he meant to say", blah blah blah. When you say something as an instant reaction, it IS really what you feel. There's no hiding from it. He did cry and get emotional when I told him what happened, and apologized that this had to happen to me again. But to be honest, most of the time he was trying to hold me and love on me for his own sake, not mine. It was clear he was focused more on me forgiving him, and wanting ME to show love to him. Even at a time when I needed him most, he seemed to focus on himself and how he was feeling.

We clearly do not trust each other. We've talked seriously about separation again, and at this point we were giving it this week to see how things go. We will probably take one more week after this as well. I will say that he is trying to be more attentive toward me. But I have to say that I'm finding it hard to be close to him. To open myself up to him. His reaction to my confession has really been a cause for concern. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again with even the little things in life. Let alone the big stuff! I am so confused about what I want in life. I don't know what I want. I just know I want my life to be different than it is. I am not sure if I want him to remain in it at this point. How can you be with someone you do not trust? Things will never be the same between us. I feel completely lost and confused.

I am finding it incredibly difficult to remain motivated to change my life for me. It is far too easy to fall back into the crippling life I have now. I feel like the house in this photograph I took on my way back home from Seattle. A storm brewing all around me, and I'm stuck on this damn hill.

The Fall

Facing the Truth

Year 2014 has been a strange one for me so far. I can feel this slow shifting in my life. Like the universe is quietly awaking my dreams and ideals I used to have for my life, causing me to question and re-think the direction (or lack of direction) my life is taking.
I have already faced debilitating challenges this year that threatened the small flicker of self-worth I was gaining. Someone I thought I trusted attempted to rape me while my husband was out of town. It's the emptiness I feel since this happened that is most concerning. I feel like a shell of myself. But in this void, while I am picking up the pieces of my life again, several things are becoming more clear.

First, that my life must change. I do not like the life I live. It is unhealthy physically, mentally and spiritually. I've always had a hard time focusing on myself. And as I am getting older, I am realizing that this lack of caring about myself is in reality slowly killing me. I HAVE to start taking care of myself in every way. If I don't, nothing will change. I will waste away in a world of self hatred and unhappiness. And that is just not a road I am willing to be on any more. I need to stop, change direction, and focus on BECOMING WHO I REALLY AM.

Second is a truth that I have kept to myself for a long time, but have to face. I don't believe Danny and I are meant to be together. He may still surprise me, and rise to the occasion- becoming the man I need him to be. But I think that is asking to change him too much. The real truth is....I had doubts about marrying him ever since we got engaged. My heart aches even now as I finally admit that "out loud", but it is the truth. I questioned if I was just "settling" by marrying Danny. That maybe I was marrying him because we'd been together so long, and I was afraid that I wouldn't find better. He loved me so much. I didn't think I could find anyone who would love me more. I was so afraid of the unknown, and of regretting my choice if I did leave him, that I pushed back any feelings I had of doubt. But as I sit here today, I question if we both really love each other as much as the other deserves. I wish with all of my heart that we did, but I fear we have both lost that foundation of love and friendship we did have. In truth, I don't even feel comfortable telling him of the attempted rape. I fear he would blame it on me.It hurts that I don't have that trust with him any more. Maybe we are just better being friends. Goodness how that breaks my heart.
I am by no means ready to give up, but I have decided that this is what year 2014 will be for me. A point of decision in my journey. I am going to spend the year building a foundation of confidence and independence within myself. By the end of the year I may find that Danny and I are on different paths in life and it is best to let go, but at least I gave it a fighting chance. I love him, but I need to love myself enough to do what is right in my life.

There is another secret I have. As I have been pondering my life and what is best for me, a name keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. As I pray...this name pushes through every time. Maybe this name is just God's way of pushing me to be the person I want to be, but I can tell you that I think about him several times every day without trying. My heart pounds just thinking about him. Which is weird because I have not thought about him for a long time. Okay that's not entirely true, but I haven't thought of him this much for a long time. He is the type of man I want in my life. He is the type of man I want to want me. The type of man that would push and challenge and encourage my dreams. I want to become the woman that attracts a man like this. The type of person I could fall in love with. I won't name names yet, but it is too strange to not write down. God finds interesting ways to motivate, that's for sure.

Well, we'll see where life goes. Time to take the fall into the unknown. Let go of fear.

first things first- THE PLAN

Let's face it. I love "to do" lists. I make them ALL the time. Putting things on a list implies intention. And if there is intention, there is excuse. If you don't do those things on the list, you can at least say the intention is there. I think I write lists as an effort to stir up some sort of motivation. So..here it goes. A small to do list of steps, or routines rather, that will aide me in becoming the person I want to be. The best version of myself. And the first step in the start of my new life is becoming healthy. Inside and out. And for a chronically depressed girl like myself, this small routine is a big step toward exiting the grey mist that hovers over my life. To break the mold of anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder that threatens to suffocate me. No more simply existing. (For exercise I'm only doing arms right now until my legs heal from my compartment syndrome surgery.)

.number ONE-

   DRINK 100 OZ. OF WATER EVERY DAY

.number TWO-

   DO ARM EXERCISES EACH MORNING 

.number THREE-

   PRACTICE HEALTHY EATING HABITS EVERY DAY 

       (think of food as medicine!)

.number FOUR-

   DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE EACH DAY

And there you have it. Simple for now, but it's a start. I have to start somewhere.

Year ONE

At the beginning of the year it's typical to reflect on where your life is in the present moment. Reflect on things you've done, didn't do, and wish to do in the coming year. We resolve to be better, love harder, and live life to the fullest. It's a time to re-focus on what is most important to us in our lives.
For me, this year will become one that determines where my foreseeable future lies.  I will either rise from the darkness around me and struggle to the accomplishment of my happiness, or subject myself to make the best of the broken pieces of my life surrounding me.
My marriage is an ongoing train-wreck with no sight of slowing down. The aftermath of our trials as a couple and individuals has left us scarred and distant. I no longer trust my husband, and I know he doesn't trust me. I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me. I hardly believe myself when I do the same. We are no longer friends. There isn't much sight of a relationship at all. It saddens me deeper than anything I thought I could feel. It's like a death has occurred, and I have to relive that death every day we are around one another.
Because of a terrible 18 month long illness, and medications with adverse effects, I gained 85 pounds (though I have lost 15 lbs.of that). This struggle with my weight is nothing new, but gaining all of that in 10 months has devastated me. It has heightened my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder tenfold. I have lost myself. And to top everything off, my husband has to pretend to be attracted to me. He has admitted that he would love me more if I was thinner. He has stopped loving me.
I am alone. But instead of succumbing to my mental illness and wasting away in a body I despise, I am going to do something about it. I am going to live a life that makes me happy. And let's be honest; that life is probably going to include a man that will love me no matter what, or no man at all.
This is year ONE. The beginning of a life lived for me, not to please anyone else. I am waking up. Waking up to find myself.