I have already faced debilitating challenges this year that threatened the small flicker of self-worth I was gaining. Someone I thought I trusted attempted to rape me while my husband was out of town. It's the emptiness I feel since this happened that is most concerning. I feel like a shell of myself. But in this void, while I am picking up the pieces of my life again, several things are becoming more clear.
First, that my life must change. I do not like the life I live. It is unhealthy physically, mentally and spiritually. I've always had a hard time focusing on myself. And as I am getting older, I am realizing that this lack of caring about myself is in reality slowly killing me. I HAVE to start taking care of myself in every way. If I don't, nothing will change. I will waste away in a world of self hatred and unhappiness. And that is just not a road I am willing to be on any more. I need to stop, change direction, and focus on BECOMING WHO I REALLY AM.
Second is a truth that I have kept to myself for a long time, but have to face. I don't believe Danny and I are meant to be together. He may still surprise me, and rise to the occasion- becoming the man I need him to be. But I think that is asking to change him too much. The real truth is....I had doubts about marrying him ever since we got engaged. My heart aches even now as I finally admit that "out loud", but it is the truth. I questioned if I was just "settling" by marrying Danny. That maybe I was marrying him because we'd been together so long, and I was afraid that I wouldn't find better. He loved me so much. I didn't think I could find anyone who would love me more. I was so afraid of the unknown, and of regretting my choice if I did leave him, that I pushed back any feelings I had of doubt. But as I sit here today, I question if we both really love each other as much as the other deserves. I wish with all of my heart that we did, but I fear we have both lost that foundation of love and friendship we did have. In truth, I don't even feel comfortable telling him of the attempted rape. I fear he would blame it on me.It hurts that I don't have that trust with him any more. Maybe we are just better being friends. Goodness how that breaks my heart.
I am by no means ready to give up, but I have decided that this is what year 2014 will be for me. A point of decision in my journey. I am going to spend the year building a foundation of confidence and independence within myself. By the end of the year I may find that Danny and I are on different paths in life and it is best to let go, but at least I gave it a fighting chance. I love him, but I need to love myself enough to do what is right in my life.
There is another secret I have. As I have been pondering my life and what is best for me, a name keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. As I pray...this name pushes through every time. Maybe this name is just God's way of pushing me to be the person I want to be, but I can tell you that I think about him several times every day without trying. My heart pounds just thinking about him. Which is weird because I have not thought about him for a long time. Okay that's not entirely true, but I haven't thought of him this much for a long time. He is the type of man I want in my life. He is the type of man I want to want me. The type of man that would push and challenge and encourage my dreams. I want to become the woman that attracts a man like this. The type of person I could fall in love with. I won't name names yet, but it is too strange to not write down. God finds interesting ways to motivate, that's for sure.
Well, we'll see where life goes. Time to take the fall into the unknown. Let go of fear.
0 comments:
Post a Comment