For me, this year will become one that determines where my foreseeable future lies. I will either rise from the darkness around me and struggle to the accomplishment of my happiness, or subject myself to make the best of the broken pieces of my life surrounding me.
My marriage is an ongoing train-wreck with no sight of slowing down. The aftermath of our trials as a couple and individuals has left us scarred and distant. I no longer trust my husband, and I know he doesn't trust me. I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me. I hardly believe myself when I do the same. We are no longer friends. There isn't much sight of a relationship at all. It saddens me deeper than anything I thought I could feel. It's like a death has occurred, and I have to relive that death every day we are around one another.
Because of a terrible 18 month long illness, and medications with adverse effects, I gained 85 pounds (though I have lost 15 lbs.of that). This struggle with my weight is nothing new, but gaining all of that in 10 months has devastated me. It has heightened my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder tenfold. I have lost myself. And to top everything off, my husband has to pretend to be attracted to me. He has admitted that he would love me more if I was thinner. He has stopped loving me.
I am alone. But instead of succumbing to my mental illness and wasting away in a body I despise, I am going to do something about it. I am going to live a life that makes me happy. And let's be honest; that life is probably going to include a man that will love me no matter what, or no man at all.
This is year ONE. The beginning of a life lived for me, not to please anyone else. I am waking up. Waking up to find myself.
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