I recently went on a girl's vacation up to Seattle. I love it up in the North West. It always seems to clear my head and refocus my spirit. I love the fresh air, good water and smell of rain. But it might have more to do with the fact that my best friend lives up there. I wish I could be around her more often. She is such a rock in my life. Seeing her relationship with her husband has always been very revealing to me of my own life. I see how a marriage and partnership really should work when I watch them interact. They really do love each other. It's bitter sweet to witness. On the one hand it inspires and reassures me of what I want in a marriage, but also makes me acutely aware of the lack of a real partnership and love I really have in my life right now.
Coming home from that trip I was hoping to find an anxious and excited husband. See, when I used to go anywhere, or see him after a photo shoot that I had done, he was always the first to ask me how things went. He'd be excited and interested to hear all about it, and immediately want to see my favorite pictures that I had taken. I felt that he valued and was truly interested in what I had to say. He doesn't do that any more. And as much as I hoped for a different reaction this time around, it was the same as it has been for a long while now. He hugged me, asked if I had fun, and that was it. No more interest. No more anticipation for my stories and photographs. It was extremely discouraging.
A couple days later Danny and I had our first genuine discussion about separation and divorce. It was very surreal because it was so oddly calm. Sure there were tears..it was sad to talk about. But.. I don't know. It was strange how matter-of-factly he was about everything. I have been thinking about separation for quite some time, but haven't really talked to him about it. We both think it would probably be good for us.
A few days passed after that, and as we sat talking one evening, I decided to tell him about the attempted rape. I hadn't told him because I was sure his reaction would be very accusing. But in that moment I just felt I needed to let him know. Before I told him I explained that I was afraid to tell him, and that I felt he would blame the situation on me. I asked him to not yell no matter what I said. Of course, after I told him, that all went out of the window. The reaction I was most afraid of, happened. The first words out of his mouth were to scream at me "WHAT THE FUCK!!?? YOU INVITED HIM OVER??!!!" I immediately screamed back that this was exactly why I hadn't told him, because I knew he would blame me. Of course he tried to back track, saying that it "wasn't what he meant to say", blah blah blah. When you say something as an instant reaction, it IS really what you feel. There's no hiding from it. He did cry and get emotional when I told him what happened, and apologized that this had to happen to me again. But to be honest, most of the time he was trying to hold me and love on me for his own sake, not mine. It was clear he was focused more on me forgiving him, and wanting ME to show love to him. Even at a time when I needed him most, he seemed to focus on himself and how he was feeling.
We clearly do not trust each other. We've talked seriously about separation again, and at this point we were giving it this week to see how things go. We will probably take one more week after this as well. I will say that he is trying to be more attentive toward me. But I have to say that I'm finding it hard to be close to him. To open myself up to him. His reaction to my confession has really been a cause for concern. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again with even the little things in life. Let alone the big stuff! I am so confused about what I want in life. I don't know what I want. I just know I want my life to be different than it is. I am not sure if I want him to remain in it at this point. How can you be with someone you do not trust? Things will never be the same between us. I feel completely lost and confused.
I am finding it incredibly difficult to remain motivated to change my life for me. It is far too easy to fall back into the crippling life I have now. I feel like the house in this photograph I took on my way back home from Seattle. A storm brewing all around me, and I'm stuck on this damn hill.
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