first things first- THE PLAN

Let's face it. I love "to do" lists. I make them ALL the time. Putting things on a list implies intention. And if there is intention, there is excuse. If you don't do those things on the list, you can at least say the intention is there. I think I write lists as an effort to stir up some sort of motivation. So..here it goes. A small to do list of steps, or routines rather, that will aide me in becoming the person I want to be. The best version of myself. And the first step in the start of my new life is becoming healthy. Inside and out. And for a chronically depressed girl like myself, this small routine is a big step toward exiting the grey mist that hovers over my life. To break the mold of anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder that threatens to suffocate me. No more simply existing. (For exercise I'm only doing arms right now until my legs heal from my compartment syndrome surgery.)

.number ONE-

   DRINK 100 OZ. OF WATER EVERY DAY

.number TWO-

   DO ARM EXERCISES EACH MORNING 

.number THREE-

   PRACTICE HEALTHY EATING HABITS EVERY DAY 

       (think of food as medicine!)

.number FOUR-

   DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE EACH DAY

And there you have it. Simple for now, but it's a start. I have to start somewhere.

Year ONE

At the beginning of the year it's typical to reflect on where your life is in the present moment. Reflect on things you've done, didn't do, and wish to do in the coming year. We resolve to be better, love harder, and live life to the fullest. It's a time to re-focus on what is most important to us in our lives.
For me, this year will become one that determines where my foreseeable future lies.  I will either rise from the darkness around me and struggle to the accomplishment of my happiness, or subject myself to make the best of the broken pieces of my life surrounding me.
My marriage is an ongoing train-wreck with no sight of slowing down. The aftermath of our trials as a couple and individuals has left us scarred and distant. I no longer trust my husband, and I know he doesn't trust me. I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me. I hardly believe myself when I do the same. We are no longer friends. There isn't much sight of a relationship at all. It saddens me deeper than anything I thought I could feel. It's like a death has occurred, and I have to relive that death every day we are around one another.
Because of a terrible 18 month long illness, and medications with adverse effects, I gained 85 pounds (though I have lost 15 lbs.of that). This struggle with my weight is nothing new, but gaining all of that in 10 months has devastated me. It has heightened my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder tenfold. I have lost myself. And to top everything off, my husband has to pretend to be attracted to me. He has admitted that he would love me more if I was thinner. He has stopped loving me.
I am alone. But instead of succumbing to my mental illness and wasting away in a body I despise, I am going to do something about it. I am going to live a life that makes me happy. And let's be honest; that life is probably going to include a man that will love me no matter what, or no man at all.
This is year ONE. The beginning of a life lived for me, not to please anyone else. I am waking up. Waking up to find myself.